Post by baka_tyranno on Dec 24, 2013 12:10:52 GMT -8
Okay so the story behind this story is there's a non-serious story-writing contest on the TF2WH forum for TF2 shit (or maybe not) but in any case I wanted to go nuts so I went nuts so I did so here.
[The following is a transcript from a radio broadcast performed in front of a live audience]
[The NARRATOR is heard to be a middle-aged man, with an English accent]
NARRATOR: This is the story of a man. A rather large man, who...
[inaudible noise]
NARRATOR: ...What? No, not Santa Claus. Look, I know it's that time of year, but just because I'm talking about a rather large man doesn't immediately mean I'm talking about-
[inaudible noise]
NARRATOR: ...What? Our Lord and Saviour, Gabe Newell? Well, you're warmer, I suppose, but I would appreciate it if you would shut the hell up and let me tell my Christmas story already. *sigh* Now, as I was saying, there was this rather large man called-
[inaudible noise]
NARRATOR: ...SAMUEL L. JACKSON?! OH, COME ON, WHAT THE FUCK DOES SAMUEL L. JACKSON HAVE TO DO WITH Our Lord and Saviour, Gabe Newell? DO YOU WANT ME TO KILL YOU?! I HAVE A GUN, I WILL COME OVER THERE AND-
[cuts to static for several minutes]
NARRATOR: ...Ahem. Apologies, I had to take care of a rather rude audience member. Now, where was I? ...Ah, yes.
There was a rather large man with no given name. Most people referred to him as "The Heavy" - perhaps due to his rather large size.
The Heavy had a rather large, white beard, and was often seen carrying around a sandwich. Why he had either of those things is a mystery that has long been mulled over by scientists all across the universe. The most common theory is that the Heavy loves to role-play as Santa Claus and give out a sandwich to a child as a Christmas present.
The second most common theory is that the Heavy makes VERY good sandwiches, and anyone who eats one will experience a sensation that far exceeds that of the highest sexual pleasure, and then die happy.
AUDIENCE MEMBER (barely audible): I REALLY want a sandwich now...
[loud gunshot is heard before five minutes of static]
NARRATOR: *clears throat*
There have been many reported sightings of the Heavy, but only once was he ever recorded. The recording is audio only, as the video file mysteriously corrupted. I shall play it for you shortly. There are two voices in this recording - that of an eight-year-old girl, and that of what is widely presumed - though not confirmed - to be the Heavy. I must warn you that this tape may be disturbing to some listeners.
[the sound of an old tape starting up is heard]
CHILD: ...Hello, sir?
DEEP VOICE: ...Hello, child.
CHILD: Are you Santa Claus?
DEEP VOICE: Yes, little one, I am Santa Claus. Would you like a present?
CHILD: Yes, please!
DEEP VOICE: I give you my sandvich. Iz very precious to me. I hope you find it tasty.
[silence for about a minute]
CHILD: Santa...I don't like this sandwich.
DEEP VOICE: ...What?
CHILD: ...Well, you see, I...I...don't like tomatoes.
DEEP VOICE: ...You...YOU!
[very loud roar is heard, followed by child's scream, then loud crunching noise]
NARRATOR: ...And that's all. That tape was found on the body of a child who had her skull crushed in. Why the child had a tape recorder in the first place is the universe's eight-hundred forty-second greatest mystery, beaten out by, among other things, the Heavy himself.
After the discovery of the body and the tape, a warrant of arrest was issued for the Heavy, and a man hunt was initiated on a world-wide scale. The Heavy was never found. However, every day since the discovery, a sandwich has mysteriously appeared in front of Interpol headquarters sometime in the afternoon.
It has been years since the investigation, yet sandwiches keep appearing in all sorts of varieties. Every Christmas, for example, the sandwich will be stuffed with candy canes instead of meat. There was one week where there was no meat in the sandwiches, and a week where it was nothing but.
Psychologists all across the universe have tried to understand the Heavy's behavior and why he keeps leaving sandwiches for the people who hunt him. Some believe he's taunting the police - basically handing the hunters clues on a silver platter yet still managing to evade them. Some believe the Heavy lost his mind when he killed the child and wasn't able to cope, thus his odd behavior.
Some believe some rogue species hostile to humans covered the whole planet in some hallucinogenic drug, causing a planet-wide hallucination revolving around a fictional character known as "the Heavy" and that the Heavy doesn't really exist. Strangely, outside of Earth that is the most widely-accepted theory.
In any case, the Heavy is undoubtedly a mysterious entity, somehow completely avoiding detection while still becoming the most well-known figure world-wide. Now that we have reached the end of my brief lecture, Interpol has requested that I ask the audience about their knowledge of...
...the hell? Oi, Mark? What the hell happened
[at this point the broadcast was halted, however the following few minutes were still recorded]
to the audience? Where'd they go? And why is there red paint on the floor? ...Mark? Mark?
...*sigh* If you're trying to scare me, it isn't working. The Heavy isn't a boogey man, just an old urban myth. I'm not going to let something so stupid get to me. ...Are you listening? Come on, I know you're there. ...Mark! MARK! I can fire you, remember? Get out here!
[footsteps are heard]
NARRATOR: 'bout time you came out. I was seriously preparing to-
[the NARRATOR's speech is cut short, and a continuous sound of labored breathing is heard, before a loud sound of a large object, possibly an adult human, is heard hitting the floor - at this point the recording ends]
[The following is a transcript from a radio broadcast performed in front of a live audience]
[The NARRATOR is heard to be a middle-aged man, with an English accent]
NARRATOR: This is the story of a man. A rather large man, who...
[inaudible noise]
NARRATOR: ...What? No, not Santa Claus. Look, I know it's that time of year, but just because I'm talking about a rather large man doesn't immediately mean I'm talking about-
[inaudible noise]
NARRATOR: ...What? Our Lord and Saviour, Gabe Newell? Well, you're warmer, I suppose, but I would appreciate it if you would shut the hell up and let me tell my Christmas story already. *sigh* Now, as I was saying, there was this rather large man called-
[inaudible noise]
NARRATOR: ...SAMUEL L. JACKSON?! OH, COME ON, WHAT THE FUCK DOES SAMUEL L. JACKSON HAVE TO DO WITH Our Lord and Saviour, Gabe Newell? DO YOU WANT ME TO KILL YOU?! I HAVE A GUN, I WILL COME OVER THERE AND-
[cuts to static for several minutes]
NARRATOR: ...Ahem. Apologies, I had to take care of a rather rude audience member. Now, where was I? ...Ah, yes.
There was a rather large man with no given name. Most people referred to him as "The Heavy" - perhaps due to his rather large size.
The Heavy had a rather large, white beard, and was often seen carrying around a sandwich. Why he had either of those things is a mystery that has long been mulled over by scientists all across the universe. The most common theory is that the Heavy loves to role-play as Santa Claus and give out a sandwich to a child as a Christmas present.
The second most common theory is that the Heavy makes VERY good sandwiches, and anyone who eats one will experience a sensation that far exceeds that of the highest sexual pleasure, and then die happy.
AUDIENCE MEMBER (barely audible): I REALLY want a sandwich now...
[loud gunshot is heard before five minutes of static]
NARRATOR: *clears throat*
There have been many reported sightings of the Heavy, but only once was he ever recorded. The recording is audio only, as the video file mysteriously corrupted. I shall play it for you shortly. There are two voices in this recording - that of an eight-year-old girl, and that of what is widely presumed - though not confirmed - to be the Heavy. I must warn you that this tape may be disturbing to some listeners.
[the sound of an old tape starting up is heard]
CHILD: ...Hello, sir?
DEEP VOICE: ...Hello, child.
CHILD: Are you Santa Claus?
DEEP VOICE: Yes, little one, I am Santa Claus. Would you like a present?
CHILD: Yes, please!
DEEP VOICE: I give you my sandvich. Iz very precious to me. I hope you find it tasty.
[silence for about a minute]
CHILD: Santa...I don't like this sandwich.
DEEP VOICE: ...What?
CHILD: ...Well, you see, I...I...don't like tomatoes.
DEEP VOICE: ...You...YOU!
[very loud roar is heard, followed by child's scream, then loud crunching noise]
NARRATOR: ...And that's all. That tape was found on the body of a child who had her skull crushed in. Why the child had a tape recorder in the first place is the universe's eight-hundred forty-second greatest mystery, beaten out by, among other things, the Heavy himself.
After the discovery of the body and the tape, a warrant of arrest was issued for the Heavy, and a man hunt was initiated on a world-wide scale. The Heavy was never found. However, every day since the discovery, a sandwich has mysteriously appeared in front of Interpol headquarters sometime in the afternoon.
It has been years since the investigation, yet sandwiches keep appearing in all sorts of varieties. Every Christmas, for example, the sandwich will be stuffed with candy canes instead of meat. There was one week where there was no meat in the sandwiches, and a week where it was nothing but.
Psychologists all across the universe have tried to understand the Heavy's behavior and why he keeps leaving sandwiches for the people who hunt him. Some believe he's taunting the police - basically handing the hunters clues on a silver platter yet still managing to evade them. Some believe the Heavy lost his mind when he killed the child and wasn't able to cope, thus his odd behavior.
Some believe some rogue species hostile to humans covered the whole planet in some hallucinogenic drug, causing a planet-wide hallucination revolving around a fictional character known as "the Heavy" and that the Heavy doesn't really exist. Strangely, outside of Earth that is the most widely-accepted theory.
In any case, the Heavy is undoubtedly a mysterious entity, somehow completely avoiding detection while still becoming the most well-known figure world-wide. Now that we have reached the end of my brief lecture, Interpol has requested that I ask the audience about their knowledge of...
...the hell? Oi, Mark? What the hell happened
[at this point the broadcast was halted, however the following few minutes were still recorded]
to the audience? Where'd they go? And why is there red paint on the floor? ...Mark? Mark?
...*sigh* If you're trying to scare me, it isn't working. The Heavy isn't a boogey man, just an old urban myth. I'm not going to let something so stupid get to me. ...Are you listening? Come on, I know you're there. ...Mark! MARK! I can fire you, remember? Get out here!
[footsteps are heard]
NARRATOR: 'bout time you came out. I was seriously preparing to-
[the NARRATOR's speech is cut short, and a continuous sound of labored breathing is heard, before a loud sound of a large object, possibly an adult human, is heard hitting the floor - at this point the recording ends]